


love, soju, ocean (1095)

by honeypressed



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Copious amounts of tears, Drunk calls, Drunk confessions, Exes, Han Jisung | Han Needs a Hug, Lee Minho | Lee Know Needs a Hug, M/M, Matchmaking, Miscommunication, Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, THAT WAS AN ACTUAL TAG WHO ELSE HAS BEEN HURTING HIM IM THROWING HANDS, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, the author cried a lot writing this, they all need a hug im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeypressed/pseuds/honeypressed
Summary: There are at least a thousand and ninety five days in which Minho should have already gotten over his ex.Except, he has spent those thousand and ninety five days drowning, and it takes only one blind date for everything in his past to start unravelling again.Lee Minho finally finishes a conversation he started one thousand and ninety five days ago.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 13
Kudos: 88
Collections: MINSUNG BINGO: Round One





	love, soju, ocean (1095)

**Author's Note:**

> another (fifth?? idk) fill for minsungbingo for the tropes "Exes" and "Third Party Meddling/Matchmakers"
> 
> thank you to rain for helping me figure out the name of the restaurant + what you call the person at the front of the restaurant i rly said receptionist with my whole chest + what the hell i need to tag for this fic im really struggling
> 
> i was absolutely weeping as i wrote this fic, and like too many people have seen the drafts to this because i spill anything when someone so much as Looks At Me and the conclusion is that i should have my internet access taken away from me! 
> 
> here is a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3tYPZxCF4bJ7PW7WNE35TK?si=8-ax0zuDRCC7NNsax0LsYg/) that you can listen to while u read <3 as always, i hope you enjoy it!!!

_you taste of heartache and longing_

_and when you kiss me it's not me you're loving_

* * *

For the past two weeks all Changbin has been talking about is setting him up with a friend for a blind date. It's the first thing he hears when he meets Changbin in the morning for their shared lecture, and the last thing in the evenings when they're having dinner together in the cafeteria. Honestly, he's been worn down a little, and he knows that Changbin is coming from a good place. 

"Hyung, I don't care if you treat it as a date or not, but you should get to know other people. I can't be the only friend you can rely on when you need help," Changbin tries again one Thursday evening. And just like every time Changbin brings it up, Minho pretends he doesn’t listen, but he does.

"What, it's not just for you to live your romantic fantasies through me?" Minho asks, laughing as he says it, but immediately not laughing anymore as Changbin steals some of his fries. "Hey!" 

Changbin shrugs. "You had it coming, hyung. Anyway - I know I've been bugging you a lot, but think about it. Even if you don't hit it off with him, try being friends! He's a nice guy, and I know he hasn't dated for a long time, like you."

"This is not the romantic, the-leads-get-together movie that you like to watch," Minho calls as Changbin stands up to put his tray away, having finished his dinner. 

"You say that, hyung, but you just wait and see," Changbin replies, and Minho swears he sees him stick his tongue out. 

"How is he five years old," Minho mumbles under his breath, and stands up to put his tray away too. Changbin waits for him to wash his hands, then they make their way out of the cafeteria, wandering through the hallways until they come to the university gates where they usually part - Minho to his apartment and Changbin to the dorms. 

"See you," Changbin says, raising a hand. 

Minho puts his hand out to form a pair of scissors against Changbin's palm. "Whatever. Don't bother me about the blind date thing again."

"Don't worry, I will," Changbin says cheerfully, then sets off in the direction of the dorms. 

Minho snorts then crosses the street, fishing his earphones out as he does so and once again begins the familiar walk to his apartment. 

Music set low, he walks through the streets, mood lifted with how autumn has properly set in. Perhaps it was a good opportunity that a love song starts playing as he looks up at the trees, all red and orange leaves. Now that he thinks about it, he's already halfway through his Master's, and he hasn't dated for… a good few years. 

(he pretends that he doesn't know exactly how long it's been since they broke up. he pretends that he's forgotten how long it's been and that he can pretend it doesn't matter anymore to him.) 

Surely, it couldn't hurt? The last few years have been a constant rush of finishing university, graduating, applying for a job, working at the job, then coming back to complete his Master's. He's been asked out before, both in university and at work, but he's always said no, and he doesn’t like to dwell on what motivates his refusal even when he finds the other person attractive.

Was it fear? Or had he not moved on yet? Those were things Minho would prefer not to think about, and so three years had passed just like that, a constant cycle of rejection and denial.

"You're a little a bit of a coward," Seungmin had told him two months after the devastating break up that had somehow split their friends into half. "Both of you are." 

It had still hurt then, too painful to listen to and accept sound logic - he had left at the time, and told his friends to go to Jisung. He didn't need them, he told himself, and he could make new friends after university when he started work and leave everything behind. Setting fire to the bridge as he crossed it seemed then to be an easier choice than to look back under a clear sky and acknowledge what he was leaving behind. 

He had been stupid then, and blocked their numbers and social medias. He doesn't know if they ever tried to contact him again, but even when he unblocked them all a couple of months later, he had changed his usernames in a feeble attempt for them to not find him. 

When he started working he had still been stinging from the pain of a breakup, both romantically and platonically - and he had not made as many friends as he had hoped for. Now that he's back in university, he's in contact with only a couple of them, but things are a little better. He's made some new friends in his postgraduate's course, his flatmate is more than nice, and he's got Changbin with him to tide through the days. 

Back then, it had hurt. Now, the hurt has been dulled into longing by the passage of time and he wonders if everyone he used to know still thinks of him like he thinks of them. 

(sometimes the nights hurt when his fingers ghost over numbers he used to know by heart, and the mornings sometimes hurt too when his dreams feel a little too real and he isn’t sure if he should call them nightmares instead.)

Still, there's no use to wonder about what could have been. He's burned the bridges three years ago and he can't rebuild the bridge again even if he desperately wants to now. There is only one way to go ahead - he has to build new bridges, and treasure these new ones.

[20/08/20]

[ _ 19:47]  _ set me up on that blind date of yours

[ _ 19:47 _ ] i'm doing this to stop you from bothering me

[ _ 19:48 _ ] don't think it's because of anything else

[ _ 19:55 _ ] oh hyung you're so funny 

[ _ 19:55 _ ] you'll be thanking me 

[ _ 20:07 _ ] here's his contact 

[ _ 20:07 _ ] i don't think you guys know each other so it'll be great :D

[ _ Pig-Bunny Seo shared a contact with you _ ] 

[ _ 20:08 _ ] just know that his name is Han and you're meeting this Saturday 

_ [You sent a photo _ ]

[ _ 20:15 _ ] NO HYUNG DON'T BLOCK ME 

* * *

It's the morning that he's supposed to meet his blind date that he remembers. 

_ He has the same surname as this guy… _

Despite everything, Minho can't help the bubble of hope that rises up into his throat where it was hidden between his ribs. Why should he be hopeful? What for - that it could be his ex? Sure, there aren't many people with the surname of Han but it's too much to ask that it could be his ex. 

And anyway - it's his  _ ex _ . He shouldn't be going on a blind date in the hopes that he meets his  _ ex _ . He  _ can't _ , it wouldn't be fair to whoever his blind date is. 

With that in mind, he firmly swallows the bubble of hope that's resting at the back of his tongue and starts getting ready for his date. 

Changbin had said he'd arranged brunch for them at a nice restaurant that wasn't too far away from his apartment - "Han works around this area so you guys stay pretty close to each other." - so it was a nice compromise for both of them. Or what Changbin says anyway, after ten minutes of googling and looking at Maps. 

It's brunch at a casual restaurant, so he shouldn't need to dress up - just that he looks  _ nice _ . He ends up wearing his favourite pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt topped with a cozy jacket that he's been very attached to these days. As usual, he loads up on his accessories - he can  _ never _ wear too many - and he smiles when the dangle of his earrings catch the sunlight streaming in from the open windows. He debates about wearing makeup and decides he can't quite care for it, so some lip tint and balm will suffice. 

There's still an hour to when he's supposed to meet his date, so he checks that he's got his keys and wallet, then settles back down onto his bed to scroll through his phone aimlessly and play some games before he heads out. It could be nerves or excitement - or both - that makes him close the games he's playing at twenty minutes to the time they're supposed to meet, and he checks one more time that he has everything before he heads out. 

"Ooh," Chan says when Minho exits his room. "Going somewhere nice?" He's eating cereal at the small table they call a dining table, and as usual his laptop is open in front of him. 

"Blind date," Minho says, and feels a little shy. Despite having shared a place with Chan for over half a year and actually knowing him for two years, he's always a little flustered when it comes to personal things. 

"I hope you have fun," Chan says, and his smile is so bright that the tight bundle of nerves in the middle of Minho's chest eases a little. "You know who to call if you need a cop out."

"Yeah, my friend for even setting me up in the first place," Minho agrees, then laughs as Chan throws an apple core at him. "Thanks, hyung. I'll be back in a couple of hours, don't trash the place."

"Go and do what you young people do," Chan says, waving his spoon in the air and spraying droplets of milk everywhere. 

Minho tries not to wince, then leaves after another goodbye once he's sure Chan has gone back to eating. 

The weather is  _ lovely _ . There's a cool breeze blowing through the streets and the crunch of autumn leaves underfoot helps to ease his nervousness as he follows Maps through the roads to the restaurant. He doesn't really have any expectations of how his date is going to go, and he scrolls through the short chat he's had with Han yesterday. 

[21/08/20]

[ _ 21:17 _ ] hi! changbin-hyung sent me your contact, you must be Lee? :) 

[ _ 21:20 _ ] yes I am :)

[ _ 21:20 _ ] it's nice to meet you Han

[ _ 21:22 _ ] it is! 

[ _ 21:22 _ ] i'm meeting you at The Happening tomorrow at 11 right? 

[ _ 21:25 _ ] yes!

[ _ 21:25 _ ] ah, should i book a table? since we don't know what the other looks like

[ _ 21:35 _ ] don't worry! i've just booked it under Han :D 

[ _ 21:35 _ ] i'm excited to meet you!

Minho smiles as he reads over the conversation again, and then he switches his screen back to Maps. As the thud of his heart gets louder in his ears through his music, he lets himself hope a little that his date today will go well, and he'll at least come out with a new friend, if not something more. And if he lets himself hope a little further, that the name  _ Han _ will mean something different from now on - that it'll mean happier memories.

Finding the restaurant doesn't take too long, and soon he's outside The Happening with his heart thudding up into his throat. He enters the restaurant and approaches the waitress, feels like his tongue is a little tied. 

“Hi, I’ve got a reservation under Han…?” 

“Ah - yes, right this way please,” The waitress says, and leads Minho to a booth further inside the restaurant, next to the windows. 

As they approach, Minho can see the back of a crown of messy brown hair, facing away from him, and suddenly Minho’s gut twists deep inside him. He knows that hair. He knows it because he’s spent hours running his fingers through it, he’s felt it between the pads of his fingertips when it’s both wet and dry and in between, he knows it smells like off-brand fruity shampoo.

His feet won’t let him turn around. 

“Here’s your table, sir, I’ll be back when you both have your orders,” The waitress says with a friendly smile and walks away; Minho wants to call her back and tell her he’s changed his mind, that he’s leaving right now and he doesn’t want to order anything because - 

Han Jisung is sitting in front of him. 

Han Jisung, his ex. The one that broke his heart three years ago. 

“Han Jisung,” Minho says, and feels like he’s spat his heart out onto the pristine of the tabletop that is still bleeding in its entirety even after three years. He doesn’t quite know what to think. 

“... Minho-hyung?” Jisung says slowly, and his face is carefully blank. 

Minho isn’t sure if he would feel more hurt if Jisung showed his disgust. He sits down and focuses on the edge of the napkin with the glint of the steel cutlery placed on it; the fork is just the slightest bit crooked, and he has to try and pretend like Jisung’s cologne doesn’t make him feel the same way it did three years ago.

“I… didn’t know it was you,” Jisung starts off, wary with each word, and Minho hates that it feels like there is an ocean of distance between them. “It’s - nice to see you doing well, hyung.” 

Some blind date this is; he knows everything about Han Jisung. 

“I didn’t as well. You look good, Jisung,” He says, and somehow means every word of that last sentence. He doesn’t quite bother answering the other part of what Jisung said. 

“Do you know anything good to eat here?” Jisung asks, and it’s so obvious that he’s doing his best to keep the conversation going despite everything. 

It suddenly occurs to Minho that Jisung did not walk away. The bubble of hope rises in his chest, and he stabs it before it goes up any further. “No - I’ve never been here before. We… could share? If you want to, that is.”

“That’d be nice,” Jisung says, smiling, and it’s the first smile from him that Minho has seen in three years. 

Instead of focusing on how he feels, he smiles back and calls the waitress over to take their orders. Like the hands of the clock have winded back to the time that they were still together, they order together, and it is so familiar. Minho goes first, then Jisung, then Minho asks if they have any desserts, and Jisung picks out the cheesecake like Minho knew he would. 

He didn’t think it would be the small things that hurt. 

Jisung still waits for his meal to come too before they start eating and he still asks for water for the both of them without being prompted. When the cheesecake comes, they both pretend that they forgot to ask for another fork and not because they once shared the same fork. 

(minho looks away when jisung’s hand comes up with a forkful of cheesecake then jerks away, like he was about to feed him. he  _ has _ to look away.)

There is just a bit of cheesecake left on the plate; it’s the crust, and Minho knew that once he would have eaten that part. The crust was both of their favourite part of the cheesecake, but Jisung regularly gave it to him anyway; now, the crust is left there in the middle of the widening space between them, and Minho wants to leave. 

It's the easy way out for him, after all, than to sit here and finish the conversation he couldn't face three years ago.

“How - how are you doing?” Jisung says, and his hand is on the table. 

Minho tries not to think that once upon a time he would have held that hand without much thought. Now, he has to think about his words carefully as he looks at the bridge of Jisung's nose. "I'm… doing fine. Ah - you know Changbin?"

"He was my senior in university," Jisung replies evenly. "I'm working now… he told me that you were in the same university as him for your Master's. I don't think he knew we… well, that we -"

"- that we broke up?" Minho finishes for him, and his smile is made up of the fragments of his broken heart. "No, I don't think he knew."

There's the silent question of  _ but would you have come if you knew it was me _ , but neither of them say anything. Perhaps it  _ is _ a blind date; both of them blind to each other now that they've taken a different path to the other. 

Minho wonders if this meeting will be just a brief crossing between their paths after which their steps will be parallel, or if there is something different planned for them. He plays with the hem of his jacket under the table and pulls it over to the edge of his fingers. It's a small comfort to him, even when the silence between them is stretching thick. 

He doesn't want to look up, but he does. The waitress has come with the bill - and for one moment he looks up and sees Jisung and Jisung still looks so  _ young _ and there is still give to his cheeks and his eyes are not creased by worries yet  _ but the eyes that he once loved so much are red _ . 

"I'll pay," Minho says instead, and pretends he doesn't hear the shake in Jisung's voice when he says  _ wait _ . 

"Let's split," Jisung says, half a second later and his voice is steady. Minho looks up. 

"... Alright," He says, and wonders if the red in Jisung's eyes just now were a trick of the light.

They don't say much after that, just to split the bill and wait for the receipt, and Minho knows that he should keep quiet, keep this peace until he leaves so that he can leave this in the past. But he can't help it, can't help that he is still hurting and that he still thinks of Jisung and that he wants to know why Jisung broke up with him even if it was him that walked away first before waiting and listening to the rest of Jisung's words. 

"Why," Minho finds himself starting as they stand outside the restaurant in the autumn sunshine, "why… all that time ago - why did you break up with me?" 

Jisung hesitates, then turns towards him. "I… I thought it was for the better. You were in your last year of university, and I was going to a different university in another city. I'm - I wasn't brave enough to… keep going, so I thought I'd leave before I kept you down."

"You have  _ never _ ," Minho says before he can stop himself. 

That makes Jisung pause, and turn sideways to look at him. "You look well," He says softly, and Minho wants to scream. Him, looking well? When Jisung glows under the sunshine and looks so good? 

"Thanks for the afternoon," Minho says lightly, and makes to turn away for good, but then there's a gentle hand around his wrist. The touch is both familiar and strange at the same time and Minho jumps a little at it. 

"I… I want to see you again," Jisung says, and there's a small smile on his lips. "It'll be good to catch up, hyung. The rest of the group want to meet you too, they've been looking for you."

"They… have?" Minho says uncertainty, and the join of their hands forms a shaky bridge. "Well - I'll have to text you again about the date cause I've got a few deadlines coming up…"

"That's fine," Jisung says, quick to assure as if he's worried Minho will outright reject the proposal. "Just text me and we can arrange something." He is still holding Minho's wrist; Minho doesn't quite know what to make of this.

"Alright," Minho says, and tries not to think about how weird it is that his past is coming back to him. It feels like a wave has crashed into him and if he looks at Jisung any longer he'll see the 19 year old Jisung - lankier, smaller, and softer-cheeked that broke up with him. He wonders when he'll ever be able to get over this. 

"See you," Jisung says, and Minho looks up to see 22 year old Jisung, muscles filled in, back straighter, and looking like he's actually moved on. He looks so good that Minho hates it a little. 

"Yeah," Minho echoes, and then turns on his heels to head back to his apartment.

The weather feels like it's mocking him; it's so incredibly lovely but he can't appreciate it when it feels like his heart is breaking all over again. Why did it have to be the one person that he has so much history with? 

For all that love had made him happy so many years ago, it now feels like it's drowning him, and he doesn't know how to resurface. Seeing Jisung again had only made old feelings resurface; the fact that Jisung looks even more attractive now is only the top of his troubles, and maybe he does have to acknowledge everything in the end. 

He still loves Han Jisung, even after all these years. 

* * *

It's a Friday evening, and Minho doesn't know why he buys the three bottles of shitty soju from the convenience store around the corner. 

Or maybe he does, and he just doesn't quite want to acknowledge that yet. Either way, he finds himself alone in his apartment at eight in the evening and one bottle of soju is already emptied. He knows Chan won't be back until much later, and so he takes full advantage of it. 

Minho has never been a good drinker, and he's worse when he hasn't eaten anything. There's a too-familiar voice chiding him that he should eat before he drinks, and he suppresses that thought by downing the first bottle of soju. He leans back against the bottom of the sofa where he's sitting on the ground and swirls the second bottle of soju in a grip that's way too lax. 

He can't stop thinking about Jisung. 

Jisung looks better. Looks like he's actually gotten over their break up. He sounds good and looks good and god, that's  _ not fair  _ when it was  _ Jisung _ that asked to break up. He still remembers the words, as crystal clear as if he was told them just ten minutes ago. 

_ Let's break up _ , the words go, and he could easily be reciting lines from the dramas they used to love watching together.  _ I don't think we should be together anymore, hyung.  _

And what had he said then? 

Nothing. Too cowardly to fight for their relationship, and too hurt to stay and talk and remain friends. He had fled from that conversation… and had fled from everything else in his life that came after that. 

The tears are easy. Familiar. 

He hates that the tears feel this way, and he takes another gulp of soju, wants the alcohol to black his memory out and take the pain away. But even as he continues to drink, the memories of when he was happier continue to come back like he's being forced to watch some sub-par pirated movie that spends half the time buffering, and if he closes his eyes he can hear Jisung's voice in his ear. 

He wants to. He wants to hear Jisung's voice again. He's become greedy after that blind date. 

With the barrier of logic dulled massively by the alcohol, Minho fishes his phone out and opens the keypad. There is no need to look, no need to think; he knows this number by heart. Of course he had to - how could he forget the number of someone he had so loved and treasured since he was young? When Changbin had given him the contact he didn't bother to look at the number… he wonders if he would have still went on the date if he had bothered to check. 

The phone dialling time sounds against his ear, and he opens the third bottle of soju. It rings once, twice, and then -

_ "Hyung?" _

"Han Jisung," Minho says, and doesn't know how to continue. 

_ "You sound drunk," _ Jisung says, and Minho wonders why he remembers what his drunken state sounds like. 

"Doesn't matter," Minho mutters, takes another sip of soju. Everything starts to taste the same now, and it burns flatly on his tongue. Much like heartbreak, he supposes. 

_ "Of course it does, is there anyone to take care of you? Where are you?" _

"Why should you be worried?" Minho says, and laughs a little. "You weren't worried for me when you broke up with me so long ago."

_ "You're drunk," _ Jisung says, and even through the phone Minho can tell he's bristling. Defensive.  _ "And I  _ am _ worried, don't twist my words like that." _

"After you left me alone?"

_ "You left us. You blocked us, we couldn't contact you. You wouldn't even talk to me and I never got to see you after that time, and our conversation wasn't finished either. Hyung, you've been lying to yourself a lot, you know -" _

"I  _ know _ ," Minho says, voice cracking and he hopes his tears don't leak into his voice. "I know, you don't need to tell me these things. I know what I did wrong, that's why I left and I  _ know _ . But you don't get to pretend like you didn't do anything wrong as well. You can't go around telling people you want to break up and then leave them alone… I - I was… well, it doesn't matter now anyway."

Silence. Minho sighs, downs the third bottle of soju until there's only half left. When had he finished everything so fast? Of course Jisung would hang up. Maybe nothing has changed and this is the sign that he needs to move on and - 

_ "Tell me," _ Jisung's voice comes through on the phone, crackly.  _ "I want to know how you feel." _

"What, three years later?"

_ "Yeah." _

"... Fine. If you want to know - I was hurt. I still am. I wanted to tell you I was willing to stay, hell, I  _ wanted _ to stay. And… and I know I was the one who left in the end but - but it was hard," Minho says, and even the bravado that alcohol lends to him fades away. His voice drops to a whisper; he can't bear to say it because it hurts. "It was so hard… there was no one I could turn to but - but at least I knew that you did. I took comfort in that, a few months after we broke up."

_ "... No one told me any of this." _

"Of course no one did. I haven't told anyone."

_ "..." _

"You look better now," Minho murmurs, "you really do. I'm happy for you."

_ "You don't sound happy. Is anyone there with you?" _

"Do I not?" Minho's finished all of his soju, and his head is spinning; it feels like he's drowning. "Maybe it's because I love you enough to still miss you, Han Jisung, maybe that's why." 

_ "What - what do you mean?"  _

"Am I not speaking Korean? I sound so stupid, don't I? Three years… and I still love you. I could never stay away from you, after all."

_ "It's been a long time, hyung." _

"I know. I still… I still want to love you."

There is silence again - and this time Minho truly thinks Jisung has hung up on him. 

"I deserve this anyway," Minho says to himself out loud, and then the front door is opening. 

"I'm back - Minho? What are you doing on the floor… have you been drinking?! What did I tell you about drinking… and you didn't eat anything? Lee Minho!"

"I'm fine," Minho says, waving his hand and almost knocking the soju bottles over. "I'm okay, hyung, you don't need to take care of me like you care."

Chan sighs. "I don't know who hurt you, Minho, but I've told you that you're more than someone who splits the rent with me. C'mon, let's get some water in you and you're sleeping all of this alcohol off. Really, I hope you haven't made any silly decisions when you were drunk."

The voices drift off into the background, and still the call goes on. The timer flashes…  _ 32:50 _ …  _ 32:51 _ …  _ 32:52 _ … then - 

_ "Hyung?" _

The call hangs on for five more minutes, like the caller is hoping that the other side will come back, then, finally, the caller seems to give up. There is just one small pause of a thumb over the red button as the eyes slide over the contact name, and then the call ends. 

"Sweet dreams…" Han Jisung murmurs. He used to say it to someone three years ago, but he's never really said it since then. 

Now, he says it to the curtains in front of him - and wonders if he has another chance to say these words to him once again. 

* * *

"Please don't slip under the water, you aren't a child," Chan says as the water in the bathtub fills up. Minho sits on the edge, three-quarters way drunk and very sleepy. 

"I won't," Minho says, “go and change or whatever, hyungie. I’ll shower and go to sleep, don’t worry about me.” 

Chan sighs, but he presses a kiss to the top of Minho’s forehead like he’s a child and shuts the bathroom door behind him gently. Minho stares in the depth of the moving water for a little longer before he shuts the tap, and he strips his clothes off, sinks into the warm water with a prolonged groan because he’s old and his bones are getting creaky.

He leans back, and closes his eyes. 

The water is warm against his skin and it offers a little comfort in this darkening night. It offers especially more comfort after that damned phone call comes back to his mind, and even though he's still drunk he can already feel the regret seeping into him like lukewarm bath water into his fingertips. Just like how the water wrinkles the pads of his fingers, the memory of the phone call leaves an irreversible stain on the left lobe of his brain and he wishes he had never went on the blind date.

Minho slips further into the water until it's just his face above the surface of the water. He stares at the ceiling for a while, then sinks all the way under the water. 

The water is warmer here. It feels like it forms a protective seal for him against the rest of the world and if he didn't need to breathe he thinks he'd live like this for a while. 

He blows bubbles up into the water with what remains of his breath, and imagines memories of Han Jisung disappearing with each bubble. It's easier now that he's had a kind-of finished conversation with Jisung, and he wonders if this is what the fates had in plan for him, if this will finally help him move on and over from his past. 

The water breaks over his head when he surfaces, and he rubs his eyes, gets the water out of them. He rubs his palms over his forehead, cheeks, and then leans forward, presses his palms flat against the bottom of the bathtub in between his legs. Even with his mind dulled and made spinning by alcohol, he is still thinking of Han Jisung. 

Each move that he makes, each breath that he takes, each time that he blinks - he can’t stop thinking of Han Jisung, and it only makes his chest hurt. It must be pathetic, for him to sit hunched over in a cooling bathtub of water that’s just up to his chest and feel like he’s drowning. 

There is nothing but despair and regret filling the spaces between his ribs, and these emotions sink into his muscles when he moves and maybe one day he’ll just stop moving from the pain of it all. 

Somehow, the things that should be in the past come to his mind. The day before they broke up. The day they broke up. The day after they broke up. They segue together in his mind like some long nightmare from which he cannot awake from and he can’t close his eyes anymore because when he does he remembers the words that Jisung says to him. 

Or rather, the words that Jisung never says to him. 

Jisung had only told him that they should break up, and then went on radio silence for the next few days. He couldn’t contact Jisung by call or text, and he didn’t have enough bravery to show up at Jisung’s house knowing that he wasn’t good enough for Jisung to stay. After that, he had left. 

It was easier, was it not? Rather than to stay and look at the remnants of a relationship they had so naively promised to each other that would last forever, it was easier to pack everything up and leave and not say a single word at all. All the words that they never said - that said it all; their emotions were in there, or so Minho thought. 

_ I am worried, don’t twist my words like that.  _

“I don’t understand,” Minho whispers to himself, stares up at the ceiling again, “I don’t understand, Han Jisung.”  _ Why you make me feel this way. Why you still look at me like that. Why you still care, even after all this time.  _

He sinks back under the water and wishes he had put a period at the end of their conversation. It would be easier to get over this stupid love if he had. 

* * *

It is unfortunate that Minho tends to remember everything the nights after he gets drunk. Even when he wakes up the next morning with a skull-splitting headache, he still remembers that he had drunk dialled Jisung and basically told him he still loved him even after three years. 

His call history confirms just the same thing - just the one call to Han Jisung, with the time listed at just over 38 minutes. Had he really called Jisung for so long? 

Getting out of bed is hard with a headache, and even harder knowing that now he has to face the consequences of his actions. It’s a Saturday morning, and he should spend it by sleeping in or getting something to eat, but there’s the worsening feeling of guilt creeping up his neck, and it feels like it’s strangling him the longer he stares at his phone. 

Minho calls Jisung on a Saturday morning with a massive headache without even having rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and so it’s because of this that he doesn’t realise Jisung has picked the phone up after the first ring.

“... Hyung?” 

Minho didn’t expect Jisung to pick up so fast. 

“Hyung, are you there? Do you have a headache?” 

“I’m sorry,” Minho blurts out, not listening to whatever Jisung is saying. “I’m sorry for calling you last night, and saying all those things. I… I shouldn’t have put you in that position and said all those things to you, I’m sorry - and - and for last time too. When… when I left without saying anything. I’m sorry for that too, I really am.” 

There is a pause, and then - “I’m sorry too, hyung. I shouldn’t have left you hanging like that, it’s my fault too.” 

Minho feels like he can’t breathe. He needs to get off the call before he starts to cry again. “Yeah, I -”

“And, what you said last night made me think, hyung,” Jisung continues, and his voice suddenly sounds so familiar that Minho feels the words disappear from his mouth. “When you said you loved me enough to miss me… I didn’t tell you, but - but I miss you too. I didn’t understand why, but I missed you all these years - and now I know why.” 

“What… what are you saying?” 

“I miss you enough to know that I still love you.”

“... This isn’t the time to be joking -”

“I’m not. I still love you. I didn’t break up with you because I fell out of love, you know that. I wouldn’t have broken up at all if I was a bit braver… you didn’t deserve to go through any of that. I’m sorry, Minho, I am.” 

Perhaps it is when Jisung says his name that Minho finally breaks down.

“How can you  _ say _ it like that,” Minho starts, and his voice is already trembling too hard for Jisung not to notice that he has started to cry. “How can you say that, after - after three years? Han Jisung, I  _ waited _ , and I  _ cried _ , and you didn’t - you didn’t - you never -”

“I know,” Jisung says, and Minho can hear the shake of his voice too. “I know I didn’t, and I regret it to this day, but - but Minho, you know how I feel now…” 

“... I do,” Minho whispers, because he’s trying to keep the sadness out of his voice and he’s not doing it very well. “I do, but - but you can’t just say things like this, I’ve been wanting to get over you for years, and now -” 

“And now you will,” Jisung says, and Minho isn’t sure if his heart breaks or heals now. “I’m not the same person I was when we broke up, and neither are you. I - I want to get to know you again, Minho. I know this sounds a little.. Well, I don’t know how to put it - but I… I also never got over you. And when I saw you again…” 

“You’re paying everything for when we go out next time,” Minho bites out through his tears, because he knows how Jisung would have finished that sentence.  _ When I saw you again I fell in love with you again _ . It’s something Jisung used to say to him when they were still dating, flirting even when they were already together. “I expect monetary compensation for my sadness, Han Jisung.” 

“Gladly,” Jisung says, and maybe Minho hears a little happiness in the two syllables too. “You… you said my name again, Minho.” 

There’s a moment of breathing, and Minho thinks maybe he could actually laugh this time. “I did. And I need to actually get up now. Stop thinking of me, Jisung.” 

“Not in a million years,” Jisung says lightly, but there is warmth in the undertone of his words, and Minho thinks maybe he will be okay. 

After all, he’s breathing now. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope ur sad because im sad as FUCK
> 
> i actually came up with the title before the plot, and it was originally titled "love, vodka, ocean" with the idea that you can "drown" in all three of these things, but i wasnt gonna make minho drink straight vodka wtf so i changed it to soju!! i was very, very sad as i wrote this and i may have cried a little but that is FINE i am FINE but i do hope that you enjoyed it!!!
> 
> my [Tumblr](https://yeongwonlino.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/yeongwonlino/) in case u wanna scream at me <3 and!!! please vote on this [poll](https://twitter.com/yeongwonlino/status/1289591698247397376/) for my next fic <333


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